Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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