Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
