Will you blow on my dice?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
