Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
