u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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