I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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