I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
