Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
