she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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