You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
