Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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