Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
