I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
