Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
