so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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