the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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