Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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