When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
