i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
