I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
