Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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