last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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