Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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