i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
