I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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