My liver just broke up with me...
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize