I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
