We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize