I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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