The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
