I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize