we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
