Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
