I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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