I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
