I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
