I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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