The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
