I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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