May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
