The maid of honor just puked.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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