i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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