I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
