he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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