I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I need to sanitize my soul.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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