all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
