Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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