I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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