We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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