you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
