i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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