everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
