What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
