Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
