You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
