It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
